Sovok of the Week

In the spirit of true Soviet samokritika (self-criticism), many of our loyal readers have turned to us, the Comrade Editors here at Sovok of the Week, with a pressing question: ‘Am I A Sovok?’ Of course, if you have to ask the question it means that you fail to see the obvious (a classic sovok trait) and so you probably are. Nevertheless, in a plenary session of the redkollegiia (Editorial Council) it was resolved to devise a painless quiz that would eliminate doubt and allow our readers to determine once and for all whether they are sovoks.

Your wife’s relatives are coming over for dinner this evening and there are no potatoes in the house. What do you do?

a) Don your Turkish-made Adidas knockoffs and head down to the market to buy a kilo of potatoes.

b) Don your Turkish-made Adidas knockoffs and lecture your wife about the need to plan ahead for dinner guests before heading down to the market for a kilo of potatoes.

Once you’re at the market, you see two rival potato-sellers whose booths are side-by-side. What do you do?

a) Compare prices and quality of goods and then make your purchase accordingly.

b) Look to see which potato-seller will throw in a free onion to sweeten the deal.

As the potato-seller is weighing your purchase on a set of rusted scales, her neighbor starts her sales pitch: ‘Young man! Young man! You should buy my potatoes, not hers. Mine are from Orel!’ What do you do?

a) Smile and tell the old woman that next time you’ll be sure to buy her potatoes.

b) Tell the woman bagging your potatoes to shove off, and go buy the rival’s potatoes. Potatoes from Orel always taste better. Everyone knows this.

Your wife has also asked you to pick up a little something from the market so she can make a salad tonight. What do you buy?

a) Lettuce

b) What’s lettuce?

On the walk home you bump into your friend Viktor Andreevich, who starts telling you about the hockey game he went to last night. What do you do?

a) Listen to his story and then ask polite follow-up questions about the score.

b) Interrupt him with an anecdote about the time you almost got tickets to see the Czech national team play Spartak.

On Saturday afternoons you like to visit the public library. Why?

a) To read current newspapers and keep up-to-date on politics and world events.

b) To read back issues of Sovetskii sport from the 1980s and enjoy the 27 ruble kotlety in the state-subsidized cafeteria.

After a long night of drinking vodka, you wake up with a furious hangover. What do you do?

a) Take a few aspirin, drink a glass of water, and take a hot shower.

b) Drink beer.

While walking through the park on a crisp fall afternoon you spot an attractive young woman sitting on a bench. What do you do?

a) Smile and strike up a conversation.

b) Warn her that sitting on a concrete bench will make her sterile.

Your friends are sharing photographs from their recent vacation to Bulgaria. What do you do?

a) Display interest in their stories and listen attentively.

b) Break out the old Soviet proverb: ‘A chicken is not a bird and Bulgaria is not abroad.’

Your neighbor’s car won’t start and he’s late for work. What do you do?

a) Offer to let him borrow your jumper cables.

b) Start telling an endless story about the time your car broke down when you were driving your sister-in-law’s stepmother to the airport.

You’re about to dig into a big plate of pasta. What do you put on top?

a) Grated cheese and marina sauce.

b) Ketchup

You’re riding on the bus when a ticket-collector starts waddling down the aisle collecting tickets. You, of course, don’t have one. What do you do?

a) Pay the 25 cent fine and continue to your final destination.

b) Get off at the next stop.

A legless war veteran is playing the accordion in a metro underpass. What do you do?

a) Give him some spare change.

b) Ask him if he knows Den’ pobedy (’Victory Day’)

You are attending a free perfomance at the local House of Culture. When the piece concludes, what do you do?

a) Wait for the conductor to put down his baton, and applaud politely while the orchestra takes its bow.

b) Immediately start shouting ‘Bravo! Bravo!’ and rush down the aisle to throw flowers on stage pushing the innocents aside.

During the concert intermission, you and your date head to the buffet. What do you do?

a) Buy two glasses of champagne and two red caviar sandwiches.

b) Split a bottle of mineral water and take the salo-and-butter sandwiches out of your back pocket.

After the buffet, you and your date promenade around the foyer of the concert hall. What do you do?

a) Discuss the first half of the performance in a quiet, conversational tone of voice.

b) Loudly lecture your date on the architectural style of the concert hall.

While your date is powdering her nose, you wait for her in the smoking gallery near the restrooms. What do you do?

a) Smoke a filtered Davidoff and wait quietly.

b) Smoke a Belomor canal and strike up a conversation about America with the foreigners standing nearby.

You need to go to the bathroom but your roommate is using it?

a) You patiently wait untill he finishes.

b) You walk in the kitchen and utilize the sink according to your immediate needs.

If you answered most of these with b), you are a true and incorrigible SOVOK! If you answered most of these with a), there’s hope for you. In either case, you should be stopping by this site from time to time for inspiration.