“Sovok of the Week” has never been big on hipsters, those annoying emaciated self-righteous gas-bags who wear ironic T-shirts and complicated shoes. Now, if a hipster lives in New York or another big city, we can respect his/her quest for coolness and self-expression. It is quite another thing when one encounters a home-grown hipster-wanna-be who is just a pathetic shell of the real thing.
Recently, I had a chance to travel to the north of Michigan and I encountered is what one might call a special breed of a hipster-a “Michigan hipster” (not pictured on the right). What are some characteristic features of such a creature, you might ask?
Well, to begin with, a Michigan hipster lacks one of the most essential attributes of hipsterhood-thinness. A Michigan hipster is well-fed and sports thick pasty thighs that he has managed to squeeze into unfortunately tight bright red shorts picked up, undoubtedly, as a local Salvation Army store. To him, they are the much-sought “vintage clothes.” A Michigan hipster also tries hard, donning an ironic T-shirt from Urban Outfitters, fake Chuck Taylors, 6.99 sunglasses from Rite Aid, a non-iPod (!) media player with a black (!) headphone cord, and, of course, a Fidel hat. The whole presentation reeked of desperation and fakery. Yet, unfazed, our specimen of lameness was strutting proudly through a street of a northern Michigan town beaming with coolness. I could almost hear his Coldplay tunes blasting out of his black earbuds. How cool!!
I can only imagine what social causes a Michigan hipster would advocate? Any guesses?
DJ VadimJ
5 responses so far ↓
1 Laura // Aug 20, 2007 at 5:47 pm
As one blogger put it, “All hipsters’ lists of top ten movies will include Garden State. They used to include Napoleon Dynamite as well, but that got uncool, thank f—.” (http://mirkgard.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-fucking-hate-hipsters.html)
As for social and other causes that Michigan Hipsters advocate:
- I know from daily experience that they advocate smoking in front of building entrances. They even cause entire Law Schools, for example, to point out how rude this is and issue warnings about it (note: not all hipsters who smoke in front of Law Schools have anything to do with Law School, necessarily).
- Also I know that they advocate using enormous black laptops and putting bumper stickers on them (..shudder..), which usually contain the names of some obscure (and probably terrible) band which they don’t actually listen to (see below), or a political idea, which they consider to be specific to their own thinking.
- And speaking of their message-covered laptops, with their brick-sized power cords and batteries, I can’t overlook the fact that hipsters love to take their laptops to inappropriate places so they can “work” on them (i.e., download music from iTunes). Such locations include diners, 24-hour Denny’s, various bars before they get after-dinner rushes, etc. This is why the MI - hipster is fatter than the reg. hipster. Yeah, I even saw two hipsters sipping coffee at Panera Bread the other day.
- MI hipsters usually smoke either Lucky Strikes and Parliaments, but lately I’ve seen somee of them smoking Nat Sherman’s. Puh-leeeese. You are not wealthy, old professors of English Literature. You have nothing to say so go back to Kool’s and Marlboro Lights, morons.
- If they go to an establishement and there’s a jukebox, the MI hipster advocates the prompt wasting of money in it. However, I notice that their playlists are often identical to those of regular old MI hicks: MI hipsters usually like classic rock, old metal, and hits of the 80’s, and Al Green, it seems, at least when they’re drinking. One usually will NOT hear a MI hipster play something punk or alternative.
- They want to vote for Hillary or Obama, but then again they hate these candidates so they might go with a third party. They consider this dilemma to be novel even though MILLIONS of people are also mulling over this one
- They think everyone should “totally” see HBO’s “Flight of the Concords;” (and have expressed intentions to purchase that soundtrack whenever it’s out); they rave about that show with as much indifference is as possible when raving. They don’t realize that entire characters have been ripped off from other shows because they never watched other comedies like the Office or so forth; They are usually watching Ninja Warrior and syndicated Arrested Development on G4 (and never the news).
- If they are an Ann Arbor, MI hipster, they have the option of firmly advocating GEO and other privileged “labor unions” for rich kids. This way they can get paid without lifting a finger and they get to go to meetings where they can pontificate before rapt, moronic audiences about how bad it is that tattooed rich kids are so oppressed by universities.
- And on that note, they advocate tolerance, acceptance, and perpetual worship of all tattoos, even stupid ones like a truck driving across a woman’s boob (which I saw the other day — and a hipster was complimenting it).
- It seems their steadfast advocacy of the studded belt was no mere phase, no fleeting fad indeed. The hipster of Michigan requires much larger studded belts than used to be available, of course. And while hardcore hipsters might wear the belts for decorational purposes only and free the belt from the belt loops, the MI hipster missed the point and puts his studded belt through the belt loops: The MI hipster thinks that studded belts are actually supposed to FUNCTION as belts. Ooops.
- The MI Hipster would fail this test, which only a true hipster would master
http://gawker.com/news/hipsters/gawker-quiz-are-you-a-hipster-valid-only-1205-141547.php
No. From what I see of MI hipsters, they are really more into 80’s music than anything else.
I would go on…. but we are in a great danger here:
“I’ve heard that denouncing hipsterdom is the new hipsterdom,” writes another blogger (http://xenia.media.mit.edu/~rowan/memepark/2004/05/hipster-hating-and-its-discontents.html).
Well Vadim, I guess I’ll be making fun of YOU in my next comment!
2 Vadim // Aug 21, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Hmm … A new kind of species, a Russia hipster? Can a hipster survive in Russia with its abundance of savory meats, cheeses, and other fatty foods? How fat is a Russian hipster allowed to get? … These are the questions that need to be answered. Also, look forward to my ground-breaking piece “Russia-A Never-Ending Festival of Meats.”
3 Cradyboamma // Nov 23, 2007 at 8:14 am
Saudi Arabia and Libya were the source of about 60 percent of the foreign fighters
who came to Iraq in the past year to facilitate attacks.
4 Wes Owens // Jan 6, 2008 at 1:07 am
So, I live in Wisconsin. Hipsters of the Great Lakes states are sure to have much in common.
Here in Madison, WI, there are many different types of hipsters. Let’s start with the most mainstream: the University of Wisconsin student. This student probably shops at Urban Outfitters and Ragstock, is internet and media savvy, showers on a regular basis, and goes to indie shows featuring bands such as the Decemberists, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes, Rainer Maria, etc.
Then there are bike hipsters. A bike hipster is typically a twenty-something male with a tall, slender body, maybe black-framed glasses, snug jeans, and a fixed gear bicycle. The bike hipster is often found bragging about his fixed gear. He may have an awkwardly-placed facial piercing or randomly dyed section of hair.
There are the metal hipsters. These people do not know they are hipsters and will usually say “fuck hipsters”. But they are possibly the hippest of them all. Metal hipsters are usually very DIY, live in housing with 5 or 6 other people, have house shows, listen to genres such as ’sludge’, ‘doom’, and ‘grindcore’, drink awful beer such as Pabst Blue Ribbon, Stroh’s, Hamms, LaCrosse, Milwaukee’s Best, Blatz, or whatever they can afford from working part-time at the pizza place. Wisconsin metal hipsters are generally unwashed, don’t believe in much of anything, and are very awkward in social situations. The Wisconsin metal hipster is a bit more elitist in his or her taste in music and may still be into cassettes or getting some band’s new 7″ record.
5 another geo member // Jan 10, 2008 at 7:45 pm
right, Laura, geo is pointless because grad students do nothing. they definitely dont teach 75 snobby undergrads a week, pick up after professors mistakes, and work nearly full time jobs on top of a full load of graduate courses. surely they dont deserve to be paid a living wage and of course they are all spoiled brats who never have to worry about money, health care, or student loans. think before you speak.
Leave a Comment