Sovok of the Week

“Dear Mr. Gorbachev”

Putin In Da House – Radio Free Europe / Radio Liberty © 2010

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We were able to track down Boris, finally. Not in Minsk, and not even in Pinsk. Tune in to the latest episode of “Radio Sovok” to find out what adventures Boris got himself into. A hint-he is on the verge of saving the world from what he calls “Pork Flu”!!

DJ VadimJ

You can download the podcast here.

American capitalism gone with a whimper – Pravda.Ru

Now, the good ol’ USA will be a more pleasant place to live for a Sovok accustomed to the heavy hand of the state. Unfortunately, we, Sovoks, know too well how it all ends.

DJ VadimJ

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Diners threaten to grill taverna in bill dispute

In the newest podcast from “Sovok of the Week,” Boris and DJ VadimJ discuss Boris’ newest venture, the “stimulation” package, and the progress on his ground-breaking “Balalaika Hero.” Please not to miss this hilarious episode!

You can download the podcast here.

DJ VadimJ

Dear reader(s),

As we are about to finish this awful year, we thought a nice surprise would brighten up your otherwise dreary existence. 

So, without further ado, please to listen to the newest podcast from “Sovok of the Week”!

You can download the file here.

DJ VadimJ

“Moscow, 21 November: State Duma deputies have not yet felt the pinch from the world financial crisis. However, leader of the Liberal Democratic Party of Russia, State Duma Deputy Chairman Vladimir Zhirinovskiy has suggested that people should start saving money on personal hygiene products, haircuts and newspapers.
There is no special crisis in Russia but saving always makes sense, Zhirinovskiy has told RIA Novosti. “I have been thrifty. I am not having my hair cut. My hair has already grown longer than ever. I only shave every other day. I eat very little. I never go out. I never invite anyone over to my place. I don’t buy presents for anyone and I am asking people not to buy anything for me. I am not travelling anywhere,” he said.

Zhirinovskiy recommended “saving reasonably” and said that this would result in reduced spending. He made several suggestions: “There is no need to buy new clothes. They can be swapped with others. I am prepared to give a couple of suits to someone, several pairs of shoes, a wristwatch. Why go shopping? Turn to each other to get what you would otherwise have to get from a shop.”

Zhirinovskiy also said there was no need to spend money on personal hygiene products because “all these are chemical and hazardous”. Fewer newspapers should be bought because the same newspaper can be shared “by all next-door neighbours” or perhaps “the entire block”, he continued.

“As for Christmas celebrations, there is no need to travel abroad or to go to a restaurant. Stay in Moscow, stay at home or invite yourself over to someone else’s place,” Zhirinovskiy added.

Truly wise words from a seasoned Sovok.

DJ VadimJ

450 ‘Lifehacking’ Ways to Save Time and Money

“Generally, drivers order at one window and then pick up their orders at a second. The trick in this case is to place an order at the first window but then tell the cashier that you have forgotten your money at home and cancel the order. Then, the driver pulls up to the next window, waits for the car behind to place an order and takes the food.”

How are you, Sovoks, surviving the economic crisis? Share with us in the comments!

DJ VadimJ

It has finally happened! The day that the USSR waited for so long and never lived to witness is here. The country that for so long has prided itself in standing on the solid foundation of free market and staunch capitalism has not only nationalized a series of powerful businesses, but has also become a landlord to millions of its hapless and/or  irresponsible citizens. The much-maligned and despised socialism had dawned on the US which is willing to forego almost all of its values and foundational principles in the face of the economic disaster. Any and all ideology is discarded when the markets are crumbling down. What wouldn’t Americans do for a buck?!

As an experienced ex-USSR citizen, let me try to guess what’s going to happen next. So, the government will be owning millions of mortgages-the next logical step is to introduce “propiska” (registration), so that the debtors would not run away from their financial obligations to the government. Also, there should be some sort of control over what the rescued citizens can buy-after all, it is already established that many of them are reckless spenders that are able to yoke themselves with expenditures they can’t pay. So, let’s establish a queue for cars and ration alcoholic beverages and luxury items.

Next, for the convenience of the government, let’s move all the debtors into high-rise buildings; after all, since they don’t really own their residences and they owe a lot of money to the government, they should be moved into bleak, government-constructed buildings with tiny balconies and smelly elevators. This would drastically facilitate the collection of the debt and insure that the socialized citizens don’t move around or overspend by purchasing large-screen TVs.

In for a penny, in for a pound, as I was taught at my English Department. Let’s call a spade a spade. The Great October American Socialist Revolution is here-and the country is not the same anymore. The only thing that is left is just to rename it-the United Socialist States of America. Hooray to the USSA!

DJ VadimJ

As I am thinking about this year’s election (I voted by the absentee ballot, by the way) and watching presidential debates, I can’t shake off the feeling that I really dislike undecided voters. They are to blame for the prolonged campaign. What kind of a cave you should live in in order not to be able to make up your mind at this point?!

I have an analogy that I would like to share with you. An undecided voter is just like a woman on match.com who winks at you and then does not answer your email because she hasn’t paid for her membership. You always have to pay-if you want to play, $29.99 it is! If you want to be a part of the democratic process, you have to commit. Apparently, this is news to a number of Americans.

Same thing with mortgages. If you take on more than you can pay for, you have to carry the burden without expecting the government to rescue you. Gosh darn it, as Palin would say it, is the US becoming the good old USSR?

Rant over.

DJ VadimJ

Greetings, reader(s),

SOTW is back from a whirlwind vacation in Eastern Europe. It is a fun place to visit and to be from, but I would recommend having second thoughts about staying for good in Montenegro. Sadly, it is largely because of the large number of Sovoks roaming and driving the streets of Budva and Kotor. 

Franch Fries

Speaking of driving in Montenegro. You would think that a makeshift memorial every 200 yards along almost every road there would make someone stop and think whether this has anything to do with insane drivers in that Slavic country. Apparently not.

For your enjoyment I am posting a menu from a cafe in Budva, Montenegro-looking for misspelled English words is a hobby of mine.

Now, in other news … While I was vacationing, I got evicted from my hole of an apartment in Ypsilanti, Michigan and upon my arrival I decided that I’d had enough. Enough of Michigan and its people, its awful winters, “the Upper Peninsula”-what a joke, the Mackinac Island … So, I loaded my trusty Yugo and moved to the East Coast, to Baltimore where I will be exploring rich roots of the Russian community there.

Finally, one more treat. Here is a common problem-a couple of jokers park their cars leaving too little space for any car to park in between.

What does a normal person do? She would go look for another spot. Not a Sovok, though. Pictured here is an inventive way to park one’s vehicle in such a situation. Only in Montenegro!

Good to be back!

DJ VadimJ

Dear reader(s),

Life has been hard around here and I deserve a vacation. So, what does a Sovok do in times of financial troubles? Go on a European vacation, of course!

And … what’s a better place to think about the injustice of life, the cruelty of women, and the coldness of the West than sunny Dubrovnik, Croatia?

See you in the Fall!

DJ VadimJ

Dozens of ravers partially blinded at Moscow party after their retinas are burned by laser light show| News | This is London

Oops!

DJ VadimJ

Enemas: Regular Russian City Immortalizes Enema With $42,000 Statue Held Aloft By Angels

Enema (клизма) gets some golden treatment in Russia. Go figure!

DJ VadimJ

As I was afraid, the West finally got me and I couldn’t get away unscathed from it. This time I am talking about a fiasco of a wedding that I was planning with an American woman. Life goes on, however, and I’ve been casting my love nets into the murky sea of online dating. And here is an email that I got (spelling and punctuation preserved):

“When I have seen yours profile I didnt have words. I thought that there is not such man in the world. Now I sit and think about that to write you. I dont know what to tell. If you wish to see my photos, then I can send it to you. I would like to learn you better because you have liked me. If you have some questions then you can write to me on “XXXX” at “yahoo” dot c o m. I with pleasure will answer you. To my mind you receive a lot of letters from girls like me, but I ask you to pay attention to my letter and I hope that tomorrow I shall receive your message. If I am not interesting to you that tell it to me. I will be upset, but I shall not write you more and I hope that you will find happiness.

Will you write me? Really?

I wait ……

Dreaming about such as U.”

Any wide-eyed Westerner would become immediately giddy after receiving such a message but not me. As a shrewd Sovok, I immediately smelled something rotten. First of all, this lovebird claimed to be from North Dakota and her profile stated “I love the clean air, beautiful landscapes, and the down to earth people but the rainy winters are pretty brutal.” Wait a minute. North Dakota has rainy winters? Tell me more! After a quick search on Google, I found out that this sentence was lifted, as was expected, from some other lonesome person’s profile in Kentucky. Besides, the grammar of the letter left no doubt that I was dealing with some Slav trying to dupe some naive Westerner into helping out with some “medical expenses for a sickly grandma” or some other similar nonsense. In fact, chances are that the email was written by some mustachioed man from Kazan by the name Igor (see picture on the right).

I was planning on developing this romance into a full-blown story for “Sovok of the Week”, but I made a huge and unforgivable mistake. After making some small talk in my reply, I signed it with my real name. Now, imagine Igor receiving a reply from a guy with a Russian name. The jig was up and he simply could not win against another Slav.

I think I was right. I never heard from the spell-bound beauty again.

So, here we go. The West screws the East. The East tries to screw the West. The East realizes that it can’t screw its own. History of the last 1000 years in a nutshell.

DJ VadimJ